5-21-18

Kids (last Friday): Mom! They're is literally NOTHING here for breakfast except cereal. I'm so tired of cereallllll. Do we have ANYthing else?
Me (feeling momshamed): No sorry. Tell you what, I'll let you have breakfast at school today and I'll get to the store this weekend
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Me: goes grocery shopping over the weekend and buys bagels with cream cheese, Eggo blueberry waffles, microwave pancakes, toaster french toast, and syrup.
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Me: *comes down this morning to find kids eating cereal* Ummmmm did you not remember I bought you like five thousand hot things to eat for breakfast?!
Kid: Yeah but this is just so much faster!
Me: ..... 🤦🏻‍♀️

5-15-18

Phone: *caller ID* /school/
Me: Hello?
School: Hi Kristi. This is Jessica, the school nurse. We had an issue today out on the playground at recess.
Me: *wondering if my kid got hurt or hurt someone else* Yes?
Nurse: Well we have some trees out on the playground...
Me: *gathering purse, mentally mapping out trip to ER*
Nurse: ... and some of them are in bloom. And well Camilla..... well she ate some of the blossoms off of the tree....
Me: .......
Nurse: *in a rushed voice* We've already called Earl May and Poison Control and they are not poisonous! They may irritate her throat a little at worst. 
Me: *BREAKS INTO DEAD BELLY LAUGHTER*
Nurse: *starts laughing* I'm so sorry to laugh
Me: *laughing into tears* Why are you sorry? My kid ate foliage! She literally ate a tree!